Flakes and Feathers

There had been a second signature he’d meant to investigate when he’d gone and rescued Evelynn.  Kasumi, a newly born Shinigami who held a soul far more powerful than most.  Someone who gentleness had reminded Takua in many ways of Kohaku, or how Sekai had been when he had first met her.  But that hadn’t encompassed the anger that lived in her during the execution.

Or the thick resentment in her reiatsu when she’d descended on Sekai’s home.  Hate and jealousy mixing into a thick paste he had felt from Karakura.  Something about it had drawn him here- some inner warning he had felt instead of consciously acknowledged.  Maybe it was as simple as knowing she wasn’t in a good place.  Maybe it was more than that.  But he had left his post on the skyscraper, walking into a Garganta that had taken him far closer.

What had changed?  The first time they’d met, Kasumi had been filled with hope.  But the woman as she was now was crushed by despair.  Kasumi felt like she was faced with an impossible challenge, something that she could not change and had to change…that without it life wasn’t worth-

The Primera picked up his pace at that black feeling.  No.  No.

First Nanami.  Now Kasumi.  Two souls that refused to go on, that refused to fight any longer.  So worn down, unable to visualize going forward another step.  They though that they could not, even as part of them screamed out in denial.  To continue.  Was that their Zanpakuto Spirit?  A part of them who refused to give up the fight- and at least in Nanami’s case had known better than to believe her protestations of feeling the need to die.

Takua found her keeled over on her hands, a sword all the way through her body- and funnily enough the only reason why she was going to live long enough to survive this at all.  If she’d just had the presence of mind to pull the sword out, she’d have bled out before Takua could do anything.  There came a certain point when it didn’t matter what a healer did- if a soul had given up, there would be nothing he could do.  He could not bring back the dead.

Nor was there time to use The Living Gift.  The charge up time would kill her.

He appeared with a blast of static next to the dying girl.  Wasting no time or movements, Takua leaned down and grabbed her by the collar of her shihakusho, wrenching her into the air without ceremony.  Heedless of the pain he was undoubtedly causing her- as if she hadn’t done enough of that on her own, part of him snarled.  His blind gaze met with her dying one even as he cut his right hand open on the edge of her sword.  Wet with blood, he moved back it back to the hilt, giving her one moment to realize what he was about to do even as the dark red blood seeping from him began to glow.

He spoke coldly, “You’re not killing yourself tonight.”

The Shinigami’s blade came loose, easily sliding out as blood gushed from the wound.  The sword clattered to the ground a moment later, and Takua’s hand darted forward.

Embedded itself into the wound, his own blood shining in a blinding red light as he poured his regenerative energy into it…and pushed.

Regeneration was the art of reverting the body to fit the soul.  But it wasn’t just that.

It meant that you refused to lie down and die.  That you rejected what damage the world had done to you- no matter how much you were beaten down, you could get back up.  It didn’t matter how.  It didn’t matter how close to death you were.

What mattered was will.  If a soul’s body was just a representation of its will, then Regeneration took that one step farther.  Damage done to the body by another person’s will would be removed.  A soul was its own- all it needed was power, energy, to enforce that vision.  For someone like Kasumi, who didn’t have that will, he had to supply everything.

Power.  Technique.  Will.

She only had to have a soul.  A body that no longer matched it. He was the one who refused to let her die.

And some part off her had too refuse to give up as well.  Tonight, that was her Spirit.  His stubborn refusal too simply lie down and let it be over.  His belief in his wielder.  

Regenerative power coursed through Kasumi’s body as Takua’s blood entered it, reflecting her soul, reading from it, shifting and altering.  Blood poured through her veins again as her internal organs began to mend, and the Arrancar’s hand withdrew.  The last few shimmering drops of his blood, potent and carrying his power, fell on the still open injury as Kasumi’s body trembled.  Flesh writhed and twisted, the wound sealing up…

Until her body was complete again.  There wasn’t even a scar left from her attempt at suicide.

Takua still held her in the air, her sword at his feet. He did his best job to filter the anger out of his voice, to keep concern and stony impassibility there instead, “Well. This isn't exactly how I expected our next meeting to go," he said with generous room for understatement. His mouth softened just a touch as he set her down on her feet, " What sparked this?”

WC: 916

A hazy image of someone at her side caught by her closing eyes stirred Kasumi enough to slowly blink. But that was the only thing that she could do now – blink. Lacking the energy to get up or even turn her head to face the stranger she hoped that whoever was there would soon leave. By now her body was getting numb and the sharp burning from her stomach was being replaced by a pleasant fogginess that reached all the way to her mind. There it gently tugged at her thoughts and memories as the blood ran down her sword, over its hilt and onto the ground.

Almost.. there.

Longing for it to end she wondered if the light would be there again. Last thing she remembered from her previous life was a light – whether or not she remembered that as a soul she did not know. Perhaps she would get to experience this again. Hopefully she would be able to remember, if she tried hard enough to imprint this moment on her soul she might take it with her. Even at the brink of death Kasumi couldn't help but to feel curious. While her reasoning was slower and duller than usual, it never stopped.

“..ah.”

Her peaceful moment was shattered by the pain that shot through her body as the stranger picked her up. Arms lifelessly swung by her sides from the force she was picked up with. Vör slipped a little deeper, biting into the wound like acid. The worst part was that she couldn't defend herself. Whatever this being planned to do with her, she could not stop it.

Why can't they let me go in peace?

Trembling slightly she wanted to scream the words but only managed to make a soft gurgling sound. It got broken by words that made no sense. A familiar voice was speaking to her with an unusual iciness to it, yet it was promising life.

No, no.

The girl protested in her head as the sword came free and something else took its place. Warmth mixed with foreign energy and started to spread through her guts. She felt it force herself into her flesh, veins and bones. All of it was drenches with energy that didn't belong to her. It was an odd sensation to say the least. She tried her best to push it out, to keep it away from her cells and forbid it from mending the crumbling reiryoku circuit.

'You shall not ignore this opportunity.'

Nothing else came from the Spirit, but Kasumi could feel her body accepting the healing process. Thin strands of icy reiryoku guided the foreign power, they accepted it by melting into the warmth and worked to integrate it faster. Organs healed, flesh closed and the torn muscles that she had pierced connected once again. She wanted to protest but her body yielded and the wound disappeared.

Limply hanging in front of the one who'd healed her Kasumi felt a bit like a kitten that's been picked up by their scruff. Unsure of what to do next she carefully looked up to see the face of a man she knew from a prior encounter. Takua, the blind Arrancar who had told her about the difference between a Cero and a Bala – what had come in really handy – was standing in front of her with a stony expression marking his face.

“Why would you take that from me?”

She carefully asked, but he didn't reply to her whisper. At least, not yet. Instead, he wanted to know what had brought her here. A reasonable question that reignited the feeling of despair she had been feeling before and partly during her attack on Sekai.

“You knew.. about her,”

Snowy eyelashes moved as Kasumi looked down, took a step back and exhaled carefully. Breathing didn't hurt any longer; she wasn't sure if she was glad about that or not. Things had been about to come to an end, a peaceful end. She had been so close to a blissful darkness, perhaps even a new life. Everything would have changed, she would have been happy. But he had to appear and now.. now all that she had left were questions.

“about the fact that she was different.”

Blinking in confusion she brought her hand to her torn uniform and lightly touched the skin beneath. A gentle beat was the sign that her heart was still going. This wasn't a trick or an illusion, couldn't be. Takua had chosen to heal her, but why?

“I thought I knew what to do, but I don't.”

She really had nothing to lose by talking to him. Vör had welcomed his help, and through the thin layers of guilt about having ignored her Spirit's wish, Kasumi couldn't really blade the blonde for doing so. In her selfishness she had almost robbed the one closest to her from her life.

Vör?

Being met with silence caused Kasumi to visibly cringe. She trembled at the thought of her Spirit's silence stretching on until her last day, especially if that day was not here, not yet.

“I used to want time to spend with the ones I care about, but now that there's plenty of time neither of them is around. Dad is alive, Kiriko is gone, and I'm supposed to be a stupid Shinigami.”

The Shinigami bit was a road she had followed without realizing that there was no way back. Thinking about it now she soon figured that even if she had known, things might have still gone the same way. Since her death circumstances have changed a couple of times and most of her decisions would have been dependant on them anyway.

“Some think I'm too young, others assume that I'm not strong enough. Nobody needs me, so why should I stay if I want to go back?”


Words: 976/ 1808

Kasumi was unhappy.

No wonder. She'd wanted to die. He'd taken that from her, and her despair came roaring back with a vengeance. The whispered question went unanswered- he would take care of that later. Why indeed had he kept her from killing herself? That made it twice now that he'd kept someone from doing what they wanted with their life- ending it. The same way he'd wanted to end his own for so, so long.

It all came pouring out of her. The questions and a sense of unfinished loss. She'd never found a way to grieve, never found a way to move on. Not from Kiriko, and not from the person she'd been before. All she wanted was to find a way back because she couldn't stand who she was now. It seemed so obvious to Takua. He couldn't have said why, but he could see it so clearly. And because she wanted to go back, because she wouldn't look forward, she wanted to die. The present her had no value, it was all who she had been in the past.

For some reason, it angered him. A sharp prick of red hot wrath nestled up against his heart. “I didn't tell you because it would have been dangerous for you. Maybe Kiriko was something precious to you- but I had felt the same way about Amaya. Peaceful Amaya, who had become Severance.” A woman who had in some ways died that day in the Las Noches throne room, and in other ways continued to live on in Miyuki. His lips twisted, pained as he forced himself to continue, “You weren't going to believe anything bad about Kiriko. Trying to tell you otherwise would have just hardened your determination to believe in her.” Just as he'd done with Severance. Burying his head farther and farther into the sand as more had come out, as more people and tried to tell him to wake up.

For a long moment he said nothing more, just a stony expression somehow turning more and more irritated without seeming to shift a muscle. Why was she so blind? Could she just not see the truth of the matter?! He wanted to rage, he wanted to scream at her to stop being such a stupid little girl.

But he couldn't.

Takua shuddered and sighed, reaching down to pick up the girl's fallen blade and examined it. “I stopped you because you wouldn't go back.”

For Kasumi, there was no going home anymore. He looked back up at her, lips drawn into a thin line, “You would die. You would never go back. Never get to experience it. Your soul would, eventually. But as far as you'd be concerned, your life would be permanently over.” The Zanpakuto was uneven in his grip. Unsuited for his hand, even as he swung it straight down, testing its heft. After a moment, he glanced down at the sword and smiled. “You should treat this a little better, don't you think? It doesn't want to be held by anyone else.” Takua flipped the blade, catching the edge in his hand as he easily held the hilt out to the young girl.

But even if he was smiling, there was a sharp bite to it as he continued, “They're gone, or they don't need you. And that was your reason for living. Was that what it was before? Have you ever lived for yourself?” No question about the sharpness now, the words were meant to cut deep. She'd lived like this for too long not to need it- the wound had festered, and only lancing it would help her now.

“I would think that your Spirit needs you. But let's skip over that. I have a different question. You say that you're supposed to be a stupid Shinigami.” She'd fallen into a trap he once had, Takua dully realized. She'd gotten so wrapped up around what a Shinigami was supposed to be that she'd forgotten that that didn't have to define her. She could be who and what she wanted to be. She could pay the price for it of course.

There was always a price to be paid.

“What is a Shinigami then? What are you supposed to be?”

What, in the end, would she never become?

WC: 718 | Total: 1634

Admittedly, she wouldn't have believed anything bad about Kiriko. However, being different from Shinigami wasn't a truly bad thing, right? The only reason why Kasumi would have loved to know that something was going on with the person she felt the closest with, was because she could have tried to help her. Could have spent more time with Kiriko in case that fitting in amongst the Shinigami was impossible for her and therefore her departure would be inevitable.

Too wrapped up in powerful feelings and images of a life that could have been had she known about the woman being something else, Kasumi hadn't quite paid any attention to the name of the other Broken. At least not enough to form any sort of coherent thoughts on the matter.

Only when the Arrancar moved to pick up her sword did Kasumi fall back into the painful reality. Her eyes searched for understanding but Takua appeared to be made out of marble. She wasn't sure if the stony look on his face spoke of anger or suppressed disgust, but it was obviously that Kasumi would find no warmth coming from him, only cutting words.

His point of view confused her. It was almost as if he was telling her a fairytale. Since the idea of leaving everything behind had entered her mind, she had been so sure of the fact that her memories would come with her. Of course, she didn't expect for them to transfer in one go, but she hadn't even given a thought to the possibility of them being lost forever. If she had been able to remember so many things from the past now, then why wouldn't she be able to do it again?

Torn between believing his words and following a path she's walked already, Kasumi felt her heartbeat quicken and turn erratic right after. If what Takua was saying turned out to be the truth then she had barely escaped an infinite darkness.

It was.. it would.. It..

Her fingers instinctively wrapped around Vörs hilt; the feeling was comforting even after the stabbing she had given herself with it.

'It wouldn't have been you.'

Then..

'This person you keep on thinking of, it's not you, it was, in a way, but you can't hold onto that.'

They were chewing it out for her, and all that she could do was stare. Takua was firing question after question, but she wasn't sure if she knew the answers to any of them. She thought that she's been living for herself, for her friends and those she liked. Time went by unnoticeably and suddenly, one day, she blinked and things had turned into a mess. Somehow she had gotten herself into a corner. A dead end.

“I .. I don't know. A guardian of the balance of souls?” She hesitated, shock still visible on her pale face; eyes were wide with confusion and helplessness, her heart was beating even quicker now. Gripping the hilt of her Zanpakuto tighter, Kasumi swallowed with sweat forming on her temples. She carefully licked her lips, they were dry, her throat was a desert too.

“Just me.” The whisper barely left her lips before it went lost in the wind.

Kasumi was looking at the taller Arrancar as if he would magically help her to understand everything. As if he would help her to find the answer she's been looking for.

“I just want to be myself.” The words were louder this time, held more determination.

“Instead of aimlessly wandering around, I would want to belong somewhere, would want to change things for the better. I think that I want to-”

Live

Holding her breath she then realized that she didn't want to die. She didn't want to give up on everything and leave everyone she cared about behind. Miyuki needed her, Nagisa – while annoyed and rightfully angry – needed her, Ginjiro, Shigure, Miss Magahara.. There were so many individuals that formed her world, a world she had been trying to break in order to get back to a past long gone.

'We.. we need to talk.'

We will.

Fumbling with the sword, she managed to sheath it before looking back at her saviour. She ought to thank him, but it felt too odd. There was no proper way of explaining to him what she was feeling, what she had been thinking before and was going through now.

“Do you.. live for yourself?”

Kasumi had to know how to live for herself, because her confused senses needed something to hold onto to, a point to start from. Never before had she questioned her own actions as much as she was questioning them now. Wrong decisions made, wrong path taken – how could she be certain that she wouldn't do the exact same thing once their roads would split?

“Are you who you want to be?”

The last part was laced with fear and worry about the uncertainty of the future, because she had no idea if she was strong enough to build her life the way she wanted to.


Words: 844/ 2652

Kasumi didn’t know the answer to the questions he asked, nor did he expect her to. Standing here before her, lecturing her on how she had to value her life more, that she should in fact live on…maybe in just this moment, he could feel like he did know more than her. Age didn’t come with wisdom, no. But she was, in many ways, a child. One who was lost and just beginning to find her place in the world.

Was it wrong to feel that way? There shouldn’t have been such a gap between them. But recently, Takua had felt it more and more often.

“If you are a guardian of souls, then I am a monster who consumes them.” His rebuttal was gentle but clear. With a single, smooth motion, he reached up to place a hand over his heart, “But that is not who I am. That is not what has to define me. I can pick whatever path I choose- defender, destructor, healer, killer. I can be all of those things. My being, my soul, is an Arrancar. But I can be whoever I choose to be.” His hand fell back to his side as he held Kasumi’s gaze in his own, his face still hard. She had trapped herself in those reflections, caught in the image of who she thought a Shinigami had to be. Invented an image and found herself unable to uphold it. So then, she had to not be a Shinigami.

He’d been the same way just a few years ago. If he was an Arrancar, he must be a certain way. Since he was not, he was a pathetic Arrancar. Embracing his powers would have made him embrace more of what he thought it meant to be an Arrancar. “Some paths are harder than others,” he admitted as his face softened. No point in lying about that. “But if you can’t stand being what you think is a Shinigami, then don’t be that Shinigami. Be your own. Be you, not someone else’s ideal.”

How many years had he denied himself? How many centuries? All because he would not be what he thought of as a Hollow, all because he was terrified of becoming it. All, in a way, because of fear.

Listening to Kasumi then, realizing where she had gone wrong, the former Primera couldn’t help but smile faintly. Such a young girl. With such a long road ahead of her. She’d reached another branch in the path. With far more warmth than he’d spoken with even a minute ago, Takua said, “Then be that person. The only person stopping you is yourself.” Maybe not the most truthful thing he’d ever said. Seireitei could be incredibly strict. Other people would try to make the young woman conform to their image for her.

But it was up to her if she wanted to bow to that pressure.

The warm feeling was nice. To see another young one start to fledge their wings. To look out of the nest and realize that there was more to life than the warm confines they had known- or the bleak chill of an empty nest, long since abandoned by any guardian. What kind of teacher wouldn’t love to see this kind of potential? Of course Takua was happy.

And then Kasumi asked her question.

That joy guttered and died like a candle suddenly exposed to a violent wind. Takua’s face twisted…and suddenly he was laughing bitterly. With a sigh, the Arrancar shook his head before he ran a hand through his hair, brushing it away from his face.

“I wish. But no. I never have.” A long moment paused, an awkward silence descending as the ex-Primera’s face grew colder and more distant. A sense of expectation took its place though, filling the air the longer the silence stretched. He looked up and away from Kasumi, his voice just as bitter as his laughter had been as he began to speak, “Ever since I became a Hollow, I thought I fought for justice. For some sense of righteousness…or as much as I could. I fought to be as good as I thought the souls I consumed would have done. By the hundreds, by the thousands, by the millions. I fought for them. Because I thought it was right.”

His hands closed until they were bone white under the strain, “But it was never enough. For eight centuries, that was my drive. My goal. Then I fought for Amaya. For her dream. I’ve fought for everyone else. Their dreams, their lives. Because it was right.”

A vein throbbed on his neck as his lips twisted in anguish. It had been his purpose in life. The one thing he could count on.

But he slowly began to relax, laughing softly. “I don’t have that anymore. I can’t deny I’ve lived for myself more. Been who I’ve wanted to be more. But the more I do that, the more I understand exactly how far away from where I want to be I am.” How impossible it might be. How many forces did he fight? His Heart pitted against his Hollow nature, the sins of his past against the drive for survival.

A moment passed, silence reigning over the space between them.

“But I haven’t given up. I refuse to be used, as I was in the past. I didn’t live for myself. And it’s because of that that I know how important it is to do so. Help others. Serve if you want to. If that’s your honest wish. But don’t betray who you are.” It was a lesson he’d paid for. A lesson he’d had to learn, or else he never would have changed. Unable to take responsibility, unable to chart his own future for the fear that he wasn’t good enough to do so.

But others had proven to be worse. He’d betrayed everything he was because of it.

For Kasumi though, she had to learn. If she thought she had to live for others, then she had to find out how important it was for her to live for herself. She could do that. She was still young, her hands were not washed in blood.

But Takua couldn’t tell her that he would be able to do that himself.

WC: 1,052 | Total: 2686

By now all that Kasumi could do was wonder how she had been so blind. She had never accused others to be evil or bad, no matter what race they were she had always been willing to give them a shot at showing her that all the prejudices were wrong. Throughout her entire life she had tried to make sure that others understood that one's race didn't define what they were, and yet she had been completely ignorant towards it when it mattered the most. Somehow, between helping others and sulking over her current fate, she hadn't noticed that she wasn't applying the idea on herself. Due to some stupid reason she was being a hypocrite towards herself of all people. It was shocking, really.

Blinking rapidly she allowed his words to sink in. Could it truly be her who was stopping herself from being happy? If so, then the situation she was finding herself in now shouldn't be too hard to solve. At least in theory. All that she had to do now was determine what it was that she needed, how to get it and then work on getting in before accepting whatever it was.

It sounded so simply. Unfortunately, she had no idea where to start.

'Come with me.'

The words were nothing else but tempting, still, Kasumi couldn't go now. She had to finish this conversation with the Arrancar before plunging into the storm that would be her inner world.

That's why the girl ignored her Spirit again, yet, this time it was different. The promise of giving them the time to speak had been there, and Vör contained herself and showed Kasumi the patience that the girl herself lacked.

Carefully sliding her eyes over Takua even Kasumi could see the various emotions playing through him. He didn't display them vividly, but the tightening of his fists and the change in his voice betrayed his mood. It's why she remained silent even while there were multiple pauses in his speech – upsetting the man any further wasn't something she wanted to do, especially not after having realized that perhaps he was right. Her pride made place, she dropped the inner act and allowed herself to admit that he was right indeed on more than one front.

The fact that he was being honest – at least that's what Kasumi believed him to be – only forced his earlier words deeper into her soul. She didn't see a reason for him to lie about something as not becoming what he wanted to be. For centuries this man had chased the wrong ideas, served the wrong thoughts and people. Clearly this was not a mistake Kasumi felt like making, but she had been on the same road, had already been heading into the wrong direction. One that would have abruptly ended by her own hands if it hadn't been for him.

“I'm sorry.” Averting her eyes she mumbled to the ground. It took her a second or two to realize that she was both sorry for the way his life had gone and for what she had done to herself. There wasn't much she could do for Takua, but she could do plenty for Vör.

Feeling the tears sting at her eyes she took a step closer and gently placed her palm on the man's forearm. She didn't squeeze or pet, she simply left her cold fingers hanging on him for some fleeting moments.

“I'm sorry.” The words were louder this time. She hoped that both Takua and Vör would hear them. Hoped that they would understand what she meant – what this meant to her.

Happy about the fact that Takua couldn't see her tears she kept herself from sniffling and dried the silent tears that threatened to spill further with the back of her free hand. Her hand shook. She felt the little vibrations through her whole body and soon broke her connection with the man so he wouldn't notice her fragile state. Hah! As if hadn't already!

“Thank you, for being honest.. and for.. helping me.” She licked her dry lips, it didn't help.

Feverishly twisting her now free fingers, Kasumi tried to put all the pieces in the right places. Someone had once said that if you wanted to achieve certain things, you had to do it yourself because nobody would do it for you. Somehow those words seemed quite fitting now.

“I think that it.. it'll be alright.” With fluttering eyelashes she turned to her sword and wrapped her hand protectively around its hilt.

I won't do that again, I promise.

“You should.. you know, it's never too late to change things, right?” For me, for you. She hesitated, uncertain if he wanted to hear anything coming from her. Certainly he wouldn't get mad while she was only trying to help.

“So you could just.. live for yourself now. Do things that are right for you instead of .. the ones that only feel that way?”

She thought there to be a difference, there had to be one.


Words: 841/ 3493

When the apology came, Takua felt himself relax. There were a multitude of emotions all wrapped up in those simple words, but he understood better than most why she was saying that. Sorry for what she'd done- what she'd nearly done to herself. And, maybe just a little bit, sorry for herself. Sorry that she'd taken this path, for having thought that this was the only path available to her.

He felt himself smile wryly as she tried to pretend she was stronger than she was, but said nothing. The cold her hand left behind was warming quickly, vanishing as his own internal heat countered it. She wanted so desperately to put up that mask that said she was strong, and he didn't see any reason to tear it down. He had no reason to not let her save face right now.

Kasumi seemed to be telling the truth when she said that things would be okay now, so he simply nodded. There was no trace of a lie there that he could find, so hopefully she and her sword could have a conversation once he left. The two clearly needed to speak if this was the place she'd been driven to...and maybe this time she'd listen to what the spirit had to say. He smiled gently at that thought. How nice would it have been if he'd had something akin to a zanpakuto spirit? An entity that would try its hardest to help him, who could have been his companion on those lonely nights through the centuries. Even just someone to talk to, but also an adviser, someone to help him question what he was doing...

But he wasn't a Shinigami. That wasn't a boon he could have.

The malevolent presence that rested near his core wouldn't offer him any help. It wanted him dead. A remnant that he'd saved for so long, and now he had to wonder if he should keep it. If it was right when it said that there was no redemption, that he should simply die.

Kasumi's question, so innocent and pure, broke into those thoughts. For a long moment Takua didn't react. What could he say? How could he explain how hard this was for him to decide?

“I can't say you're wrong.”

He started slowly, expression heavy with the somber gravity of what he had to say. So many nights spent thinking about this exact question, and he was no closer to finding a true answer. “But it's not that simple either. I could, it's true. The question is not whether I can. It's whether I should. It's whether I have the right to...whether I deserve it.” A weak smile crossed his face as Takua felt the faintest prick on the edges of his eyes. He blew out a long breath before he turned away, unable to look at this young woman.

So young. So innocent. Still so human, no matter what she thought of herself.

“I've killed...thousands upon thousands. Just to survive.” An endless parade of faces were out there. Each one of them he could put a name to if he tried. Their lives he'd seen in dreams. Every last one of a million souls. “And some things just can't be forgiven.” The woman this girl had just met with came to mind. But there were others, lives that he hadn't forgotten from centuries ago. Even what he'd done upon first becoming a Hollow...even if other people would have called that justified, he couldn't forgive himself for it. It had been monstrous, and so had his decision for living after it. Just a single moment, a single choice, and he could have simply...not let things become so much worse.

But just like with Sakuya, he'd made his decision. And after that, backing out of that decision had seemed worse and worse the more time went on. So he'd devoted himself to it, tried as much as he possibly could to do good.

His smile wobbled, but the Arrancar shook his head. “Maybe some day. But right now, I'm okay with living to help other people. But that's for me and what I've done. I wouldn't tell anyone else to do this.” He was too far down this road, and he'd done too much. Other people still had a chance to turn their lives around. They could live for what they wanted to do. And in some respects, wasn't that what he was doing? This was, after all, what he wanted to do.

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It was hard to say anything once he had revealed how many had died for him to be alive. Silently watching the faint curl of his lips she wondered how long one had to pay for his crimes and soon came to the conclusion that it depended on the circumstances. Hollow-breeds often didn't get the choice to kill or not to kill, in fact, the Shinigami and the Hollow were starting to look more and more alike. One killed in order to survive while the other did to protect humans and souls from getting targeted by Hollow.

Back at the Academy the teachers always spoke about the balance. The Shinigami were there to protect it. Keep things even so the worlds wouldn't fall apart, or worse – collide. As far as Kasumi knew nobody actually had a decent idea about what would happen should the scale tip over. Probably nothing beautiful if Kasumi had to take a guess. Still, in order to have a balance Hollow had to exist, right? Which led to them needing to feed and.. who could be mad at a tiger for killing its prey if it was only natural for it to do so?

“Well, I don't believe that you've enjoyed killing them.” Wondering if she was wrong here, Kasumi cautiously glanced at the tall Arrancar. They said that younger Hollow were less intelligent and more aggressive, but with time that changed, for some. Takua was old. No, he was ancient.

“I think that it depends on.. on whether you can forgive yourself or not.”

In this moment she couldn't help but to wonder whether that applied to herself as well. Had the storm inside of her anything to do with her being unable to forgive not just others, but also herself for being silly? For being weak and incompetent when it mattered the most?

But when did it matter the most? What mattered? Which things were the most precious?

Kasumi blinked, her world spun. She was really hoping to know now, or at least know where to go in order to discover the reality, the truth. Whatever it was that she needed, she would try to get it now that she had gotten another chance. This time, she would put effort into it, thoughts and time.

“Just.. just be careful with whatever you do, okay?” The tone of her voice suggested that she was worried, and perhaps this was silly, but she liked him hence she felt bad for his potential lack of happiness. Unlike some other Arrancar Takua wasn't a monster. He couldn't be. She didn't believe that he was evil, not from what she had seen.

'But what have you seen of him? He's kind to you, yes. That doesn't make him anything more than what he is. I'm not saying that you should turn a blind eye on his good traits, I'm saying to look out for everything else, too.'

She would, but only because Vör said so. Her Spirit's words were pretty much the only reason why she didn't push the Arrancar to leave the past in the past. Besides, after what she had been trying to do it would have been hypocritical to act as if she was capable of that on her own.

“Is there anything that I can help you with?”

The question was filled with nervousness, because while she wanted to help him, she wasn't sure if she could. All of this made her feel stupid, but that wasn't important now, trying to return the favour was.


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The young woman wasn’t wrong, Takua admitted to himself quietly. It really did come down to that in the end. Of course, if he found the ability to do that and hadn’t dealt with the Heart, he’d probably end up dying in that moment anyhow. It was resolute, the human side of him utterly determined to continue holding him at fault for something he could have prevented…or paid the final price for.

Once more, that problem stood before him. Discard the last scrap of Alexander Warde and everything it had done for him, throw away his humanity, or give into it. Hesitating would only mean that one day he would go too far, and he’d be considered corrupt by his own fire. Takua didn’t look forward to that sensation again- the one time he’d experienced it in Ezekiel’s lab had been enough for his tastes. But if he were going to be able to forgive himself, he had to be able to confront the Heart over it.

“In the end, yes. But I haven’t been able so far, and I don’t see a reason to yet.” In the end that was all he could say, inclining his head just slightly too acknowledge Kasumi’s words and the truth within them. “And you’re right. I didn’t enjoy killing them. Why would I? They were people. Most of them monsters, yes. But people with their own lives and dreams. I killed them too extend my own. To stop another killer. Because I wasn’t ready to die yet.”

Takua smiled sadly, the corners of his eyes creasing slightly to the side of his mask. “That’s all it was. Just one monster deciding it couldn’t let other monsters survive. Because they were worse than he was. That’s my life, wrapped up in a nutshell,” he said slowly, melancholy coloring his words as he looked out at the world. It was even more humorous when he considered what he’d done with that life. He’d lied, betrayed his friends, his ideals, ran away from all responsibility and done his best to avoid making decisions of his own. He’d hurt everyone around him and even himself on a regular basis.

The lesser monster, but still a monster in the end.

It took him a few more seconds to finally laugh, darkly amused by Kasumi’s request that he be careful. Him? Careful? Both the most accurate thing ever and the least. He’d been careful when boldness was called for, and bold when he needed to be cautious. The only thing he’d done right was challenging Erasmus over what he’d done to Weylin and Evelynn. Grinning wryly, he finally managed to get the words out around his sardonic laughter, “I doubt I do that, but I’ll do my best.”

But she was a good child. A spirit now, yes, but still a child at heart. Worried about him when she’d been the one to nearly take her life not even twenty minutes before. The humor leeched out of his smile, leaving him with something far warmer as he returned his blind gaze to her. Takua reached out and rubbed her head in a gesture vaguely parental, “Grow. Find your place in the world and make it your own.” He took his hand away and tucked both away into his pockets. “There’s nothing as satisfying as watching someone find their wings and fly free. If you really want to do something for me, do that.”

“It will be enough.”

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