You're currently missing a few requirements from our template. Once you fix these errors, I'll get on with your grade <3
~Apparent Age ~Please move your Positive and Negative traits up under the equivalent of your "At a Glance Section". The purpose is so all of the tl;dr information is in one, easy to access place. ~Can you please go into more detail about the heritage of your sword? Was your father a Shinigami? Does everyone in your clan have the same Zanpakutou spirit, or is it just the blade that's passed down? The more information you give, the easier it'll be for me to fact check your application. ~While you got the chance, I'd recommend proof reading your application once more. Namely focus on paragraph format
Post by Osamu Shimazu on Jun 30, 2017 19:45:19 GMT -5
1. Fixed! 2. Fixed! 3. Would you like me to elaborate as part of my application?
Basically, the original owner of Andromeda has long (long) since been forgotten, as have the true name of the Zanpakuto. As per family tradition, Andromeda and one other blade, are passed down in the family. Osamu and his siblings are free to obtain an asauchi and get their very own zanpakuto, but respect for tradition and the family "heirloom" compel them to continue the tradition. Only the heads of the family are asked to carry on this tradition, thus upon entering the Shinigami Academy, Osamu obtained the zanpakuto of his deceased father.
4. I worked around with formatting here and there, mainly breaking things up when they got a little too run-on-y or too unrelated. I hope that suffices!
If there's anything else you need of me, you need only ask! Thanks for your time
Post by Murat Pasha on Jul 22, 2017 15:09:12 GMT -5
Physical Description Physical Description ~ 200/200 MINIMUM TO GET A GRADE. ~All fields are filled in (Includes the "At A Glance" section. Physical Description and Spiritual description require 50 words each.) ~Snapshots must have dates and must be ordered chronologically. ~There should be no more than a total of FIVE grammatical or typo errors for every 100 words. This includes typos, incomplete or run-on sentences, improper usage of commas, semi-colons, hyphens, and periods. For every second time a person uses a single word incorrectly, it counts as a single “error”.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Clear tie into their personality, power, and/or history. ~Expanded hair, weight, height, eye descriptions in the Physical Description write up.
SECONDARY CONCERNS ~Spiritual description ties into their personality, power, and/or history. ~Detailed explanation of speech, demeanor, and posture. This should, in some way, tie into their personality or otherwise make sense for the entire character presented.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS ~Detailed explanation of clothing and/or accessories. Unless you’re a shinigami, this should only talk about a certain style of clothing, rather than going into the specifics of every outfit they own. The only specific accessory that needs to be fully described is something the character almost always has on them or that carries special meaning to the story.
Personality Personality ~ 300/500 MINIMUM TO GET A GRADE. ~Personality has at least 100 words ~Goals and Achievements has something relevant to the character listed ~There should be no more than a total of FIVE grammatical or typo errors for every 100 words. This includes typos, incomplete or run-on sentences, improper usage of commas, semi-colons, hyphens, and periods. For every second time a person uses a single word incorrectly, it counts as a single “error”.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Personality significantly expands on their listed traits and clearly shows how they represent the character and their actions/motives ~They have a character that fits in well with the setting and there are signs of a character that will do well in our type of environment [they have traits that are easy for a new player to use and get off the ground with and/or has noticeable room to grow and develop within our setting, making it easier for them to get Milestones, Power Ups, etc.]
SECONDARY CONCERNS ~The large portion of their personality makes logical sense after reading their history Shinigami Only ~ Personality ties back into their spirit and/or inner world.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS ~Achievements and Goals ties in well with the character's personality and/or history and feels natural and reasonable [no "my goal is to be captain command" esque stuff] ~Personality and/or Goals ties into the character's power and/or weapon
Power & Race-Specific Details Power & Race-Specific Details ~ 300/500 MINIMUM TO GET A GRADE. ~All sections reach their minimum requirements (refer to the templates) ~Power can work within our system and doesn't look outright game breaking (Don't worry about the details here. Just look for godmode stuff, or powers that simply can't work like buffs or debuffs) ~There should be no more than a total of FIVE grammatical or typo errors for every 100 words. This includes typos, incomplete run-on sentences, improper usage of commas, semi-colons, hyphens, and periods. For every second time a person uses a single word incorrectly, it counts as a single “error”.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Power ties into the character's history and/or personality in a very noticeable manner. Shinigami Only ~ Inner Spirit ties into the character's personality and clearly represents the "mentor" role spirits should be played as. This can also manifest as a spirit that otherwise completes what's missing in the character's personality.
SECONDARY CONCERNS Shinigami Only ~ Inner World represents something of the character in some manner or adds an interesting layer to their story.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS Shinigami Only ~ Shikai fits with their power and otherwise 'makes sense'.
History History ~ 200/300 MINIMUM TO GET A GRADE. ~All three sections are at least 5-7 sentences long (Ideally as a full paragraph. If they have a bunch of one liners or dialogue breaks, that doesn't count. You're looking for a full paragraph) ~There should be no more than a total of FIVE grammatical or typo errors for every 100 words. This includes typos, incomplete or run-on sentences, improper usage of commas, semi-colons, hyphens, and periods. For every second time a person uses a single word incorrectly, it counts as a single “error”.
VALUES EACH TOPIC IS WORTH PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Each section accurately describes the milestones they represent. Origin discusses anything not entirely relevant to their current character, but explains their roots and where they come from. Rise to power goes into good detail about how they got their power, how they learned to use it, and any sort of trails they had to overcome to achieve the power they are at now. Call to Action has a believable reasoning as to why the character has shifted from being an NPC to player character.
SECONDARY CONCERNS ~They show a clear understanding of storytelling and how character's progress through their lives. ~The way the character behaves and reacts in their history makes sense with their personality and there's a clear connection between their personality and how it impacted events in their life. ~The overall story is believable for the character being portrayed.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS Shinigami Only ~ Expands on the relationship between the Inner Spirit and Shinigami, showing a level of growth between the two that fits in well with what's presented in the Race Specific section
Total earned GP: 1,000!
You've got a pretty decent application here, but there were some big parts missing that I'd have really liked to see expanded upon. The physical description section effectively covered all the bases were' looking for, but it would have been good to tie it more in to his sleeplessness. He's been plagued by nightmares for 42 years, nearly 2/3 of his life! A few minor tweaks here and there to drag the effects of this to the forefront would have been great, especailly in the personality. You're doing a good job describing a member of Second Division here, but leaving so much about Osamu out of it. What was he like before the nightmares started? Does some of that still shine through the darkness, or is it lost to him? The power works well with the weapon, but the weapon isn't really his, so the power isn't really his. There's so much more I'd like to see to establish who he is outside his job and the nightmares, but I'm not going to deny that you did a good job on those parts! Osamu's got a lot of room to grow, and I do hope you take some of this into account as you go forward!
Last Edit: Jul 22, 2017 15:56:51 GMT -5 by Murat Pasha