White Knight VS Red Queen (Legendary Challenge)

Setting: 100
Writing / Wow-factor: 100
CD: 200
Total of 400GP to non-base

You’ve done a nice job putting together a scenario for a fight of two strangers. While there is no history between Shinku and Erek, it’s clear that they are natural enemies who meet under a certain tension that leads to assumptions which flow into a fight.

There are some errors here and there in your posts, but what caught my attention was how you tend to describe what Erek has already described.. It’s fine to react to something he’s doing by, for example, repeat it because Shinku sees/understands something he does differently. However, I would try not to repeat the ‘obvious’ things too much.

The ‘wow’-factor is something I’ve missed with Shinku. It’s probably, and I’m pretty sure that it is, the power that kind of shoots you in the foot here. I have an idea of what you were going for in the fight, but it comes across as NPCs being thrown at Erek. Next time (if you haven’t already), I would suggest for you to use them differently: have Shinku fight and use them as extra help/ distractions. It’ll make the fight more ‘real’ in a certain sense.

I assume that her ‘passive’ nature has to do with her lack of initiative until the very end. That’s why I was glad to see her snap, and act. It was good to witness her realizing that she needs to be stronger. This seems like a good moment to build upon: have her grow stronger and fight her battles herself, instead of relying on the pack so heavily.

Well done, enjoy your 400 GP!

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To both (aka Erek as well):
I’ve really missed some broad, colorful strokes in this fight (which I’ve expected because it’s a Legendary Challenge). More action (the specific, ‘spectacular’ type), less fodder (so the ‘wow’-factor goes up because you’re actually dealing with the player themself, not GMing their creation), and some attention to the repetitiveness of either your own writing or your partner’s.