Physical Description ~ 200/300 Your descriptive paragraphs can be a bit disjunct and jump from idea to idea, especially in the clothing section. Each time you talk about a new outfit should be a new paragraph, for example, since you're changing the focus of that paragraph. Throwing in connecting phrases that flow your sentences together will better help with this as well.
I'd also have liked to see a bit more effort put into the spiritual description, especially given who he is and how important keeing his spiritual presence on the down low is.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Clear tie into their personality, power, and/or history. ~Expanded hair, weight, height, eye descriptions in the Physical Description write up.
SECONDARY CONCERNS ~Spiritual description ties into their personality, power, and/or history. ~Detailed explanation of speech, demeanor, and posture. This should, in some way, tie into their personality or otherwise make sense for the entire character presented.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS ~Detailed explanation of clothing and/or accessories. Unless you’re a shinigami, this should only talk about a certain style of clothing, rather than going into the specifics of every outfit they own. The only specific accessory that needs to be fully described is something the character almost always has on them or that carries special meaning to the story.
Personality ~ 200/500 Your biggest problem here is you lean way to heavily on the singular trait of him being a liar. While that is clearly a very important part of his personality, I would have liked you to take the time to flesh out the other, more subtle parts of his personality and at least attempt to show some redeeming qualities to him. As it stands, the only truly god thing about him is how focused he is on finding the supposed evil in the world around him (something I'm not entirely sure I buy for a character like him, but that's just personal opinion and isn't reflected in this grade).
Similarly, the personality paragraph should have been used to show how all of his traits work together and how they affect him and the people around him. Instead, you treat it more like an expanded how he lies, not necessarily a reason as to why and how that actually effects the people around him.
I think you could have done with some more time threading with Fionne and learning about how he interacts with the real world (I.E. with other player characters and the narrative you have for him) before submitting this grade.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Personality significantly expands on their listed traits and clearly shows how they represent the character and their actions/motives ~They have a character that fits in well with the setting and there are signs of a character that will do well in our type of environment [they have traits that are easy for a new player to use and get off the ground with and/or has noticeable room to grow and develop within our setting, making it easier for them to get Milestones, Power Ups, etc.]
SECONDARY CONCERNS ~The large portion of their personality makes logical sense after reading their history Quincy Only ~ Expresses their stance on the spiritual world and clearly defines them as either a typical Quincy, or explains why they veer from the normal path.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS ~Achievements and Goals ties in well with the character's personality and/or history and feels natural and reasonable [no "my goal is to be captain command" esque stuff] ~Personality and/or Goals ties into the character's power and/or weapon
Power & Race-Specific Details ~ 100/200 Take the OOC notes out. The OOC notes have no reflection on your grade, but it was the perfect opportunity for me to point out that you should have really read through and touched up your app before submitting it. The main purpose of making people wait to submit their grade is so they have a chance to actually play the character and get a better feel for them before it being presented to staff.
Your sword/weapon cannot have a secondary power to your actual power. Not sure why this didn't come up during your power discussion and is probably my fault for not double checking. Either way, that'll need to be taken out ASAP. If you wanted the pushing and pulling as a power, you're free to swap that out for the healing thing and we can discuss the finer details of it.
Anyways, onto what's actually reflected in your grade. Since you didn't actually describe what anything looks like and the only thing super relevant to the grade is the cross and your power, there's not much I can say.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Power ties into the character's history and/or personality in a very noticeable manner. Quincy Only ~ Quincy Cross has some sort of meaning, or is explained in the history in some manner.
SECONDARY CONCERNS Quincy Only ~ Spirit Weapon fits with the character in some manner, be it by expressing their personality or adds an interesting layer to their story.
History ~ 200/500 A lot of the grammatical and paragraph issues from your physical description show up here as well. I won't go over it in detail again, but I'd figure I'd let you know.
The personality, for lack of better term, is incredibly generic. Abusive father, apparently dismissive, or unable to help mother. Kid is a trouble maker, leaves home ASAP (even though he no longer has any reason to actually leave home and has very weak motives for doing the things he does). There's literally nothing redeeming about him in this history aside from the expected "Poor me. I had a bad upbringing" sort of thing. Taking the time to fully flesh out the hardships and how Fionne struggled with growing up under his circumstances could have done a lot to not only help this section, but also the personality.
The "Zoom-Ins" do a very slightly better job of getting at what I'd have liked to see in the actual write up, but they still fall into the pattern of being very cliche. For example, I didn't really need the zoom-in of Fionne's dad punching him in the face after a failed traiing day -- you had already conveyed that multiple times, but you didn't really show much inner dialogue or feelings for Fionee to help add more to it. If you had taken that time to show more of the after math (say, Fionne crying in his room and slowly developing the urge to actually kill his dad, or taken the time to show his rational for why stealing/lying is good) I thik it would have really added more to the overal story.
PRIMARY CONCERNS ~General knowledge of when to use descriptive words, how to make good use of words, flowing paragraphs, and the absence of fluff and filler. ~Each section accurately describes the milestones they represent. Origin discusses anything not entirely relevant to their current character, but explains their roots and where they come from. Rise to power goes into good detail about how they got their power, how they learned to use it, and any sort of trails they had to overcome to achieve the power they are at now. Call to Action has a believable reasoning as to why the character has shifted from being an NPC to player character.
SECONDARY CONCERNS ~They show a clear understanding of storytelling and how character's progress through their lives. ~The way the character behaves and reacts in their history makes sense with their personality and there's a clear connection between their personality and how it impacted events in their life. ~The overall story is believable for the character being portrayed.
ADDITIONAL BENEFITS Quincy Only ~ Thoroughly explains how they got their powers and the training needed to maintain control over their powers.
