closure [ jian / closed ]

It wasn't just her. It was all of them, every soul affected by the fateful day, by the ones before and after. Seryu Akamine had left a trail of destruction across three worlds in her own subtle way, but more than her messes were his own. He wanted a chance to reflect, to see where he'd come from and make amends, if he could. Maybe he wanted to see her again, maybe he wanted to see if it was done yet, if she'd finally crossed that line.

Instead, he found ruins, a home she'd prided herself of looked almost fine on the outside but fittingly so the inside told a different story. Someone fought here, was it her? He could feel the traces in the air, like a familiar scent along with the memories that came with it. She was gone. Everyone a part of this story were long gone or at least pretending it was so.

He was not so resourceful when it came to matters of the Seireitei, but he was persistent. Quiet inquiries with the few Shinigami left who might lend him an ear when needed. Of all those gathered that day two remained, the battered mortal far out of his depth and the strawberry-haired friend. He wondered how much of a shared story they shared, between all the masks that Seryu wore it was hard to know for sure but that day left him haunted with quiet uncertainties. Who did he protect? Who did he fail? What happened to everyone there that day? One to the realm of the gods, another headless in a castle made of sand, another a mask-wearing Captain for a time, himself and two big question marks.

So when at last contact was made Jian decided that here was as good a place as any other. A place alien to him, home to someone he began to realize he understood just about as well to meet with someone who might set the last piece of the puzzle in place so he could put it beyond him one last time and move on.

He felt her approach before she stepped through the door, and brought him out of reflection. He turned slow after a moment, black robes swaying about him, Zanpakuto worn loosely at his hip, and stopped as he saw her. He took a breath as his eyes drifted down then up. She looked ill. They stood a world apart as he raised his hand to wave off the apology. "No need, I'm just grateful you came," he replied. He nodded. "Jian. Oreachi. It's nice to meet you-" and he stopped himself, and really looked.

For a moment he remembered Munin, but it wasn't quite the same. He had felt her presence that day, he confirmed it now as the events played out. He rushed to the scene, Seryu was dying. He was fighting Nagisa off, hoped that someone could help her and there was someone who showed up, to save her...and then something happened. He never followed up, never wondered, back then answers were so squarely out of his grasp. Now from them, he felt a scar, a wounded soul still bleeding. It was like stepping into a house that someone had just stopped living in, a breath of stale air, constricted. No plates in the sink, no beds left unmade in fact there was an eerie sense of order to the whole thing, yet equally wrong. Empty.

"Lyvalaea." He paused for a moment before asking, "Or do you go by something else? I feel like this meeting is long overdue, forgive me for taking so long in reaching out, it feels as though there is a lot to say, but for the life of me I'm having trouble deciding where to start."

She nodded back to Jian, letting out a huff that could've come the closest it could to a chuckle. "Honestly, I'm surprised you wanted to go back to it at all. I don't think I've had the luxury," she noted with honestly, facing him with an expression that filled to the brim with heavily restrained mix of fury and frustration. Memories of that day were imprinted vividly in her mind. The pressures that felt all too stifling for her, the friend, the question, the friend turned traitor... the betrayal. 

She didn't think she could hate the face that carried so many assumptions the way she did. That the glimpse of someone's face, the irrevocable reality of their existence, the whiff of their scent, and their warmth, their spirit intertwining in a close proximity to her, could unlock so many memories she'd denied as hers. Thin lips quivered as the heat rose to her face, tinting her ears in a deep shade of pink. Knuckles whitened as the fist it held grew harder. 

"But I think," she started, letting out a long exhale to let her own steam spill out, simmering as she considered her position-- their position, in the different angles of this tangled web. "I think she would've been absolutely happy to meet you, nonetheless... if you're the same person I'm thinking of." The grip loosened, if only so slightly, as she let the words go. This woman had two feelings to consider, and only one mouth to convey it with, and only one mind to decide which one felt right to say. 

"I'm afraid the person you're looking for is... unavailable at the moment. She hasn't really woken up ever since..." The time Seryu had chosen you over her, she finished in her mind, coupled with her eyes fluttering to a close. No, there has to be a better way of breaking this down. "Ah, yes, on that encounter in which you were never personally introduced, inasmuch as it would have been more advantaeous to everyone involved."

There was a hint of curiosity behind his gaze that she felt intimidated to face, probably a hoard of questions she wasn't prepared to answer. But if there was anything she knew, it was that they could have avoided a whole lot of this, if only they'd all been a little more honest to each other. He deserved it-- they both did, for them to be able to make amends and move forward. 

"I'm............." She'd spoken her true name, lips mouthing the word but not quite making the sound it was supposed to make, followed by a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "...Lev", the woman spoke flatly, satisfied at the answer she'd given.   

"I must admit, I was sligtly surprised you'd chosen this place, of all places." Eyes followed the trail, the stench of blood still hanging, the imprints of what could have gone down in this place... and yet she only had guesses, perhaps only a hairline more informative than his own. And yet she felt right at home in Seryu's house, just as Lyvalaea had felt like the was her home between the words shared between her and Seryu. This house, for them, was a place filled with laughter and love, of juicy gossip and fumbling over clothes, of sweet scents of food wafting as warm meals were shared. But she, now, belonged in this house, grasping only at ghosts and memories of the woman once held dear.  

Wrecked. 
Abandoned. 
Probably forgotten. 

She--- they, were a thing of Seryu's past now. 

"You mentioned looking for answers, when you first reached out. I think you must have, just as I do, have a lot of questions that need answering. Like you, though, I had trouble deciding where to start asking what you wanted answers to." The longer she stared at his soft blue eyes, the more it felt like she was subconsciously looking for the woman they loved so much, searching for her traces in the eyes that could've shown her the love and comfort she well deserved. And when she found none, Lev looked away, pressing his lips firm in a pathetic attempt to hide that she'd been just as equally curious about the man Seryu had risked her life for. 

The man Seryu had taken before her.  

'Was he worth it?' she'd asked herself countless times, tears streaming down her cheeks on cold nights, when she punched walls and made her bony hands bleed, on days she'd accidentally let plants die under her touch. 

Looking at Jian, now, pain welled in her chest. He'd wandered in an unfamiliar territory to seek answers, in a world that probably rebuked his existence. Lyvalaea asked, once, if Seryu was getting married to this man she faced now. Seryu only said it was illegal. Even with Lyvalaea's support, all Seryu knew was how it shouldn't be. Why it couldn't be. How beautiful if would have been, if she met Jian under better circumstances. It's definitely legal now. 

Lev bit her lip, clenched her fists and held it in, trying to keep it all inside. She couldn't. She just couldn't. 

The blonde woman turned her face away, as the first tear fell on her cheek, turning on her feet to look away. And the moment she'd turned her back, more tears followed, streaming down for the days she'd never allowed herself to feel for their circumstances. Silence followed for a short while, and all she'd given him was the sound of her muffled sobbing, eyes trained on the shattered frame on the floor, not quite knowing the kind of memory it held.  

"I suppose it will be easier to start from the end," she finally spoke, voice quivering between sniffles, pressing the hem of her shihakusho to wipe her tears away. "Did Nagisa... actually try to kill you both?" It was a stupid question. She'd seen it. She'd felt it. "No... not that, maybe..." She breathed out, not quite wanting to hear herself ask, and begien the answers she feared.

"What kind of creature, do you think, was the Nagisa that attacked you?" 

Lev believed Seryu, when she said Nagisa had been tainted. That's what she always did-- to believin Seryu. But she refused to see, to acknowledge, perhaps, how far Nagisa had fallen. If she was beyond help. Why she never talked. More importantly, 

"Do you think she really wanted to kill Seryu?" 

 

Jian smirked faintly. He believed that the reason he came back was precisely because of his relative sense of closure. He'd have feelings for her forever but he was past that time in his life emotionally, he just needed to make sure he'd cleaned up the mess he'd made on the way to that. The expression she wore made him think that she was going to slug him, or at least wanted to but maybe it wasn't really directed towards him? He'd let her, if he thought it'd help, if he thought it'd matter if she did.

He took a sharp breath and sighed as she...they? revealed the circumstances. It tracked with what he was feeling. He wasn't sure if it was a fracture, a split personality, madness some kind of soul-based affliction, he was new to all of this after all. "Since then..." he replied, confirming the sinking suspicion he'd held in his gut. It had been her, it had been that day and he had done nothing. "I always wanted to..." What? Meet you after what Seryu had told him about her? Help her? In truth, he'd wanted to seek her out to track down what happened to Seryu after that day. He shrugged for a moment and let the statement awkwardly fall aside as they introduced themselves.

It had been only a moment, but he'd heard the word spoken before the name, behind it. It was both familiar and unfamiliar, like a static whisper he'd heard not from their lips but in the back of his mind. A piece of the puzzle aligned, and the picture cleared if slightly. "Lev, then," he said with a nod of his head casual as could be. If the situation alarmed him the quasi-mortal didn't show it. Weird was his raison d'etre.

Lev described surprise that he'd chosen here, he considered explaining but held it to himself. Where else but the battlefield they briefly shared? What other place between these worlds did they both have if not this house? They were connected, however tenuous, by this one thread, her. If anyone could understand them when it came to that thread, it was one another. He almost regretted it when he saw the look on her face, felt the sad nostalgia wash over him. Was that Lev's? Was it her's? Was there a difference?

He nodded along to Lev's statement, and waited, let them speak. In comparison, he felt almost out of place. Seryu was the first women to ever really step into his life and their relationship had been a whirlwind. His first adventure, the first person to help him find his footing in this world, helped define his purpose, a mess of emotions good and bad, experiences he could never really regret.

But she had been a moment, fleeting she had stepped into and then out of his life in a flash and he had picked up the pieces a little wiser and continued on. He stared at Lev and grimaced. Twisted his expression from the easy-going mask for a moment and settled as the rush of emotions struck him. He let out a quiet breath and swallowed, feeling foolish as Lev turned away and he did the same briefly before calming himself down. He didn't expect it to matter so much and to him, it didn't, but there was someone else who this had mattered to more.

He didn't say a word, made effort not to breathe so loud as if that might let him fade into the background. He felt like an intruder, digging up old wounds he had no business digging up, pursuing the affairs of a woman who had been a nagging curiosity when he might have better left alone. Was he stealing comfort from someone else for his own sake? Or...

She spoke finally. About Nagisa, about Seryu and at last he spoke.

"Shinigami are complex," he managed a mirthless half smile. "So, for me to answer this, I just want to preface that my understanding comes from my mortal perspective, only recently colored by my recent transformation," his hand touched the hilt of his Zanapkuto for color as if to indicate.

"To say what creature was the Nagisa that attacked me well, it was Nagisa. A Nagisa at one point in her life, in one moment, a spirit split three ways who had been overwhelmed by grief, jealousy, loneliness. I am to understand that she was the sister of a distinct figure in your Seireitei's history so maybe that isn't a terrible surprise. She was in that moment, completely and utterly lost in a way that I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can understand. I certainly don't."

"During our fight, I could feel her at war within herself. When I feel a Shinigami they are distinct, a singular entity with a presence that clings to them. Nagisa was fractured, in conflict. Part of her wanted Seryu so completely, so utterly madly, all to herself that she would kill her to have her. Kill Seryu. Kill me. Kill you. Kill her own sister if she thought she could. That side of her was obsession warped by a complete misunderstanding of love."

He hesitated for a moment, wondering if this was the answer she wanted, but he decided that he did not come here to deceive, he came here to understand, and to help her understand if he could. "But, that was one side, the other was at war and I could feel her fighting. Obsession, loneliness, desperation was at war with her love for Seryu and in the end, her love won." He gestured with a sweep of his hand. "It's hard for me to frame this, to understand how that kind of struggle develops in the first place but a Shinigami soul is so much different than a mortal mind. I understand she likely struggled with that presence inside her for a long time, twisting her perceptions, warping her beliefs, until at last all of those negative feelings she bottled up were ignited." For a moment he wondered, how much of this related to Lev's condition?

"So in the end...no. No. I don't think she wanted to kill Seryu." At least. In that moment.

A small, melancholic smile found its way tugging at the corner of her lips as Jian's words made its way to her. It was, in a way, significantly more vague than the poor excuse of an explanation that had been given to her that day, but also significantly clearer than it could ever be. Nagisa, a vaizard... was it since the time that red eye appeared? Seryu painted her taint to be likened to a monster, but how odd that Jian painted her out to be human, and painfully so. 

Nagisa, in her eyes, had always been nothing but earnest. 

"I suppose some apologies are needed, somewhere in here... we stopped Seryu from going back to you, after all..." her voice crumbled. There was a remorseful lint in her eyes, and yet her lips were drawn to a smile. "We barely had information as to what kind of soul Nagisa was then. I'm sure there are certain penalties awaiting us for choosing to let Nagisa go..." Not that anyone reported the entire incident, otherwise they wouldn't be having this conversation so casually. "To us, it was stopping a treasured friend from killing another without hearing both sides of the story, and I don't think we've ever had the luxury of hearing the side opposing Seryu's." And probably never will, she added internally, her mind hoping that the wayward souls would come back someday, eventually, even if it was in the distant future. 

Lyvalaea didn't want to think about it-- she didn't want to entertain the idea, But... if such a thing was able to eat up Nagisa, she hoped, fervently, that Seryu wouldn't come back home as the same kind of fractured soul. She would've ran away far, and never returned. For Seryu to carve such hostility on a kind of soul that she ended up being... Lyvalaea wouldn't survive it. If Lyvalaea had chosen to condemn Nagisa that day, she would've had to condemn Seryu, too. 

It was greed that led them here. 
The greed to have them both.
To be able to accept both of them, even with the parts of themselves that was abhorrent in other people's eyes. 

"It's not so different, when you consider the point of struggle to have been there all the time, and that they were suddenly freed from the shackles that always stopped them. I like to believe it happens a lot on mortals, too. The longer people hold on to a burning idea that they want but they cannot achive, the greater the impact when it is unleashed. Thank you, for telling it the way you did. It was a kind assessment, all things considering."  Her voice was low, sighing contentedly as her eyes wandered. 

If Nagisa was the one behind this destruction, there was no excusing her actions but... She took one more glimpse at Jian, who saw it with his own eyes and considered it as a mere crime of passion. That was one load off her shoulders-- that they've misjudged in the heat of the moment. 

"I doubt I came here just to be the one asking questions, though."   

Jian raised his hand up and shook his head. Apologies were absolutely not necessary. "A truthful assessment, I promise. I have found in all this time that we all have a certain darkness, and for most all that it takes from turning down that dark road is remembering the really important things. The love we have from one another, or the promises we've made to ourselves."

He smiled at her final remark and nodded slightly. "I'm not sure I really came here to ask any questions, but I was certainly looking for answers." He turned from her finally and took a moment to take in the state of the house, eyes flitting between points of destruction. "I wanted to believe I wouldn't be curious but I was wondering what happened to Seryu. Why her home is like this. If she finally found peace. If she's a monster I might have to deal with...but." He trailed off for a moment and turned, looking at Lev from top to bottom. If the last remark carried any bittersweet tinge to it it didn't show, he spoke matter of fact as always. "I can tell those kinds of answers are beyond the two of us. Perhaps forever?" He shrugged. It was becoming more and more clear to Jian that life was just...like that sometimes. Sometimes you were the protagonist, and every soul you met players in a big play, other times for all the effort spent you were little more than a bit player. Life didn't care about clean endings, you had to make do.

"She told me about you a long time ago, a strawberry-haired nurse. She was very fond, I think she hoped we could meet." He rubbed his chin for a moment, feeling the week-old stubble beneath his thumb and forefinger before smiling coyly. Under better circumstances, he thought. "I wanted to know about the others. The people whose lives had intersected with hers and, well, I wanted to make sure they were alright." He looked into Lev's eyes and searched once more.

"So my question is, what happened to that day? And the days that followed?"

"Fair enough," she said with a muted laugh, unknowing exactly where she could even begin to answer his inquiry. "But thruthfully... I may not be the best person to ask about that... Seryu did hide a lot of things from me, after all. Including you..." 

And I was never sure whether that was because she feared our proximity to the gotei, or whether she trusted so little that it was an actual concern, she finished in her mind, without having to let him see the seed of doubt that was in her. For all they knew, it might have just been a thing that Seryu forgot, considering the kind of people she was surrounded with, at that time. Heat welled up in her chest, uninvited. Even with her consciousness and her persistence that two souls meant separate thoughts and feelings, this body was proving her wrong by the day. Perhaps the only proof she had that her soulmate is in there, more conscious than she'd care to admit.  

"I can't really say I know much about what happened after that day, though. Kionchi filled me in on the vague details, but I doubt even he knew what actually happened. Seryu stayed with our then-vice captain, I'm not sure what happened after. Nagisa... I'm sure you'd already have heard about the fact that she became a captain. Between you and me, I don't think there's much of a difference from what we know after the incident. If anything, I know less about this entire situation than you do. It took me a very long while before I was able to restore this body's basic functions, after all. I'm afraid no catching up happened on this side of the world." Her lips curved to a wry smile, as Lev put his fidgeting hands behind him, taking it out of the spiritualist's view. 

"The only thing that I'm very sure of, is that one of those present isn't awake enough to neither confirm not deny their own well-being. I, for sure, am not." Her breath quivered as she looked away, towards the general direction of where Seryu's room was, playing on the sick humor that she might actually be there listening. A few moments passed, and she closed her eyes, heaing a sigh as though it was meant to expel all the pain she'd felt until now. 

"However, I would like to clarify that it was not your fault." 

Fingers tightened to a fist behind him, knuckles whitening, nails digging on the palm of her hand as she suppressed the storm brewing inside her. 

"I can almost see it, what Seryu saw in you, that she'd try to put her own life on the line against the other, and try to take another's for not letting her put it down." A harsh chuckle escaped her lips, without looking away from Jian as she spoke. "The worst part is, that the Lyvalaea you've been told about would have forgiven Seryu for her impulses, perhaps even apologize for not letting her go, but never regret it.  All she would have needed was a thorough explanation of the entire situation from both sides of the fray."

"But this isn't exactly the first lifetime Seryu had left us in pursuit of her own happiness. Lyvalaea would support it, as would I, for entirely different reasons. When you spoke about the situation, the pieces fell together, in a cohesive story that is more understandable to me, a spectator who is detached from everyone. To the person you're looking for, that day is probably 'the day when there was no right decisions to be made'. To me, that day was 'the day Seryu took that person away from me'." 

Lev grit her teeth as her eyes closed, unwilling to see the reaction Jian was making. His statement was less than tasteful, after all. The body felt bad having to say these things, heat welling up the cheeks as though it was about to burst to tears again. But this time, she took all her willpower to hold it in. The body won once, but not again.  

"All I can say, is that the day was impactful for us. It was the day the biggest rift that could have been formed to sever their relationship happened." Even if forgiveness was reached, Lev had no doubt Lyvalaea would have spent countless nights reenacting the scene in her head, crying about there she failed as a friend, curled up in a bed and thought of better ways to handle it when there was none. All Lev remembered was the despair, and the sight of Seryu's frienzied eyes meeting hers. 

"And I hope you didn't think it was sarcasm when I said it wasn't your fault. She could ha'e handled us with a bakudou, but Seryu chose differently. She could have chosen not to do what she did. But she did. For all the times Lyvalaea had to bust out Seryu's ass, ultimately, this is how we were repaid. I hope I don't have to ever vocalize these directly to your girlfriend. No matter how close the owner of this body is to that girl, I hope I don't have to deal with her while I'm out here. I hope she's well somewhere, though, for the sake of these two friends." She heaved a long sigh, loosening her grip as her face fell. She'd felt somewhat guilty, that when even saying that it wasn't his fault, Lev ended up pouring all her pent up frustration on someone who didn't deserve to hear most of the things she'd just said. If anything, it might have even looked like she was outright slandering Seryu's memory. And yet, there was no such intention. 

"I think this meeting would have gone way differently, if she was the one out here. I can hear the stupidest questions flitting around this mind even when when she's asleep. Really mediocre things that didn't hae anything to do with the entire situation. Ridiculously petty things like wanting to ask if you'e ever been on a beach together. Or if you've ever fought over pastries because you wanted the delicious one and Seryu wanted the pretty one." Lev chuckled as she pulled the questions out, like reading through a little girl's diary. That was exactly how it felt, and she never would have spoken about it at all, if it was originally from her. "There were no questions about that day for you. I felt a remarkably strong pull from going to this meeting, and that's the extent of how much I'm aware about her consciousness and body's automatic response to this situation."

"Do you think it would have been nice, if you met her, well, before that entire debacle went down? Not that she knew you before that day, of course. Just, theoretically. If she had."   

Jian smiled mirthlessly as Lev described Seryu's honesty. The term schizophrenic came to mind, switching from the most devoted and loving person he'd known one moment to cruel and monstrous the next. The girl played jump rope with both her and others emotions, how much she intended to was something he'd never settled one. He felt another moment like before, a heat like anger surrounding Lev, at him? At Seryu? At themselves? He didn't like to pry and he wasn't sure he'd be able.

While he had asked what happened in the days to follow, he really meant with Lev, maybe they knew and were less comfortable answering that. He nodded along with the details he knew, Kionchi, in particular, his lips twitched into a frown. That particular Fox always spelled trouble, perhaps he was the architect of this drama? Or perhaps it was the former king of Hueco Mundo? Or perhaps it was that unknown being that hung to the peripheries of this particular tale? Jian let out a quiet and weary sigh despite himself. Her story intersected so many troublemakers.

The one detail that stuck out was the frank and clear depiction of Lev's occupation of Lyvalaea. He nodded once more and felt the weight lift from his shoulders. They were on even footing there. He didn't reply to Lev's comment about their well-being, not yet anyway and filed it away for the time. It had the effect of confirming where, at least most, of Lev's frustration lied.

He raised a hand at her attempts to deflect his responsibility. He was far beyond flagellation. This wasn't about guilt or even responsibility. It was certainly the right thing to do but he was here because he wanted to. He lowered his hand as the fist tightened behind Lev's back and responded with a subtle part step back through reflex and a moment of tenseness before relaxing.

He let Lev fill in some of the blanks between Lyvalaea and their own relationship to Seryu and went silent and still. Lev may have noticed it, a slight reverberation through him as they spoke, a tightening of his lips, the way his eyes flitted away for a moment, a forced but quiet exhale. Lev explained it all from beginning to end.

Lyvalaea had been devoted, loving, and caring. She had wanted to take care of Seryu, wanted only what was best for her. She sought, even on that day, to put everything on the line for Seryu and...Seryu had destroyed her thoughtlessly. Seryu had destroyed her because in that moment she didn't care, if she ever did, if she had truly no matter what loved Lyvalaea the way that she had loved Seryu it wouldn't have mattered in that moment because that was how Seryu was. It didn't matter if it was real because there was always a line, a moment that you could never predict when she would throw it all away, to test you, to fuck with you, to hurt you. Maybe just because.

And Jian had needed that. He needed to love, he needed to be loved. But more than the love he needed to be punished. He needed to fight for something that would never reward him. He needed to struggle to attain the unattainable. His throat tightened and he glanced away, placed a hand over his chest and did his best to breathe evenly as the piece slid into place. He needed to know when to give up, and let go. He felt a hand on his shoulder, a comforting familiar presence that was always there, lingering silently until he needed it most.

He took a deep breath and turned back to Lev, playing back the conversation in the mind as Hogoshi's faded away from his perception and nodded again. "Yes," he replied without hesitation. "I would, but I'm glad I still have had the chance." He felt something great and terrible pull away from him, torn free and lift off into nothingness. "For all those dumb simple things that I'd love to share, to answer every question she'd have." He smiled faintly. "I hope we get the chance to still. To be honest, I don't think I've ever encountered a situation as strange as yours." He shrugged out, stretching slightly before focusing on Lev more intently. "I hope it isn't too forward to say this, Lev. But she is still there, isn't she? Inside? She's listening, reaching out, trying to respond." He had known Seryu for little more than a year and it had left him a wreck more than once. It'd take a lot to even understand the extent of that, to this day in fact, let alone to know how to let it all go. How then, for someone like Lyvalaea? Who'd been there for more years than he might fathom? That final betrayal had stung him, but it had destroyed her. Was it the physical damage? No. She was a soul being, two parts of a whole. When one couldn't face the world that Seryu had created for her, the other had stepped forward. How then, does she return?

"You've done an admirable job of keeping her safe but do you know if she might one day return? How she might? I'd love to make up for lost time."