Post by Kokuou Munashii on May 24, 2015 18:03:57 GMT -5
So I basically had a dream last night about a Frieza-like alien arriving to destroy earth and me and a combination of my Irl friends and BG people work together to stop him. As if that wasn't enough though, half of the BG/Arty group needed to study for God knows what and (this is the kicker) the Frieza-like alien also needed to study for some kind of alien thing, so in between all of the badassery there are periods of quiet where everybody pulls textbooks out of thin air.
AS IF THAT WASNT WNOUGH THOUGH, during one of those quiet periods a conversation between us and the alien begins about his reasons for destroying earth. I shit you not, his reason for wiping out a species was because he thought we were all gay and he hated gay people.
AS IF THAT WERENT FUCKING ENOUGH, when it was explained to him that not all people on earth are gay he said, using the DBZA voice and I quote, "What is gay anyway?"
AS IF THAT WASNT ENOUGH BECAUSE BY NOW I WANT MORE, we all explained to him what a homosexual was by singing an altered version of When a Man Loves a Woman by Percy Sledge.
That's where the dream ended. Apparently this is what goes on in my subconscious mind. I wish I could tell you where this dream came from but I cant, I just woke up and grabbed my phone because this dream was so batshit that I had to tell somebody before I forgot it. I told you, BG, be grateful.
Tl;dr: Frieza invades earth because he hates homosexuals.
from the company that gave you Spiderman the musical... DBZ the Broadway show
There's an anime based on a quest thread from 2ch. The anime is called Maoyuu Musha. Closest thing well see to a forum RP based anime. Has some good scenes. Especially that speech.
This is the kind of shit I get up to when I'm delirious from lac of sleep and bored and nothing around me seems appealing enough to kill time with. By no means am I a professional, the quality speaks for itself, but it was a BG related thing so I thought I'd post it on BG. People have enjoyed me reading posts in Skype calls so I figured "why not?" If you wanna read along it's this post right here.
I am basically a twelve year old with a microphone.
EDIT: keep in mind, it's fifteen minutes long and boring as all hell.
I just became workout partners with Sully. Fed her a weird "seaweed" looking thing and told her it'd help her lose weight, somehow that lead to this? I figured I'd find out exactly how much weight has gone to her hips by doing a little reconnaissance at the hot springs, but on my way I caught Vaike peeping. Peeping! Like some lecherous old man, using MY recon hole in the spring fence! I gave him an earful for the transgression (One that I would like to state I have never and will never commit myself) only to find that Sully's horse holds some kind of protective awareness. In it's haste to punish Vaike for his debauchery it chased me right out of camp!
Note to self: Move hot spring recon hole away from horse enclosure.
Observation note: If our horses could speak morale among the men may drop. Must devise a strategy for such an occasion.
Paranoia has set in. I approached Chrom this morning to finally put this sense of unease aside and he told me that his reasons for taking me in and making me a member of the Shepherds was because he pitied me. Now that I know that he doesn't suspect my machinations to find the perfect waifu in his ever growing army I can rest easy. Just in case though I decided that I'd cement his false sense of security by buying him a token of friendship. Stahl poked his head into my tent to help me pick out a gift. Judging from the way his arms flopped like limp noodles Miriel has had him swinging his sword around like a loony again. I half suspect that her "studies" are just excuses to perv on the men while they train. He suggested that I brew some kind of potion for our leader. An excellent strategy!
Note to self: Talk to Miriel about her "studying" strategies so that I might reverse engineer them.
Afterthought: Perhaps I can learn a few things about apothecary from Stahl and concoct a poison, should Chrom ever catch on to my true purpose for acting as his army's strategist.
Day four on my FE:A waifu search,
I spied Chrom and Sully alone in the command tent today. I didn't get a good grasp on their conversation but it seemed amicable enough. I did hear a comment about sweaty thighs however and had to rush off to find Sumia, she seemed like the best person to go to when you need to wash blood from your shirt. I tried to resist when she urged me to see Lissa about my nose. Apparently nostrils shouldn't drip like that. Well, "gush" was the word she'd used, but it sounded like drip with her face in the dirt. Must have been her boots again. In any case Lissa patched me up without much fuss. I spotted Vaike bothering Sully on my way back to my tent and hung back to listen in. Some village girl kept Sully warm with her treacle pie? Perhaps I'm barking up the wrong tree with Sully. Darn, all those strategies out the window.
For the past few days I've yearned to have Sully crawl into my tent full of drink, lust and poor life choices. This morning she did! Instead of drink and lust though she was full of sickness and regret and as I wondered if the green tinge to her skin would have any adverse affects on me if I tried to make my move she explained her situation. I thought that she'd been eating the seaweed regularly since I gave it to her, but she must have been working up the courage to consume the strange substance. Evidently she'd worked up too much courage as she'd eaten the whole bag in a single night. I chose not tell her that I was sorry and that I should have explained to her the instruction for their use, my strategy instead involved accusing her of being ignorant of such things. If I can make her believe that it's common knowledge she may come to depend on me more in the future.
Needless to say it didn't work, she still wanted my head which forced me to retreat and retry the original strategy of apology and aide.
Then she puked on my shoes.
In retrospect I'm no longer sure how I feel about Sully.
Apothecary note: Keep in mind the devastating effects of this seaweed when congested in large quantities. May find a use for it in poisoning Chrom.
-
Day six on my FE:A waifu search,
I've been shadowing Chrom for the day, learning his habits and daily routines so that I know when best to inflict the poison upon him. Just this morning I pretended to study the maps drawn for our upcoming battle as I listened in on his conversation with Sully, the two have taken an odd shine to one another, perhaps I should inform Chrom of Sully's... Preferences. Just as I was about to leave the table to follow them out Virion took an interest in my strategies and I had no choice but to entertain his enthusiasm, showing him my latest "Special Ultra Cavalier Fan Spread mk. IV" maneuver in a strategy game of my own design. He wasn't impressed. His tactics rival my own and his presence has become a threat to my status in the Shepherds. Perhaps a second drought of poison is in order.
-
Day seven on my FE:A waifu search,
Sumia asked me to plug up the peep recon hole in the hot spring fence, in an effort to get into her good books and make her a possible waifu I agreed. I found Vaike snooping around the old hole when I got there, he still doesn't suspect the new hole away from the enclosure of those oddly sapient horses. This time I openly challenged his depraved intentions (Once again, I'd like to include that I have not and will not ever have the intention to mimic his actions) and the stupid oaf's backlash was loud enough to wake that devil of a beast Sully calls a horse. Once again I was chased a mile out of camp by a neighing monster for a crime I hadn't committed yet I would never in my life ever think of committing. I passed by Miriel and Kellam on the way back into camp. She intends to study him I guess. A silly idea, how can you study something that's never around to study? Unless Kellam has somehow figured out a way to render himself invisible to the naked eye. It would explain why he's never present at war meetings but always seems to know what was talked about.
Note to self: Extract secrets of invisibility from Kellam. Use techniques to supplement hot spring recon efforts.
Secondary note to self: Find Kellam.
-
Day Eight on my FE:A waifu search,
After todays war meeting I went back to my tent for a nap. On the way I saw Miriel in the arms of Kellam. I can only guess that the two have begun a relationship. She claims that it's because it's her only way of making sure he stays in her sights, and that may very well be the case, but I know her game, I've seen through all of her strategies. Just before I entered my tent I saw her poke him towards a bench of tools. Being woken up by a mischievous barely-adult is almost never fun, especially when you're dreaming about mowing down bandits, wolves, and bandits riding wolves with nothing but an old dusty tome and a bronze sword. I suppose if I was to wake up to anything though, Lissa'd be one of my preferences. Just please never let it be Chrom again, that awkwardness was beyond my strategic brilliance to rectify. What's more though is that the little shit RUINED one of my tactics books! Soaked it right through with ink! The only legible remnant of the tome is the childish scrawl she made of me on page 147. She could have at LEAST made my physique a bit more impressive! I may have to start a list of people that I may need to dispose of in the future.
It was only a matter of time. I've seen her "studying" Stahl's "technique," I've seen her "experimenting" with Kellam. Now Miriel's found her way to me. That fall was no stumble, it was a perfectly calculated strategy to draw me in and play on my concern for an ally's well-being, the fact that I could have glimpsed a look up her skirt was a total accident in the moment. I could see the tactic plain as day and yet I walked willingly into the trap, the second I asked about her mother's book she took it as a chance to study me. I won't lie and say that I understood everything she was saying, but I got the gist of it. But perhaps I can turn this around. Perhaps, from the lecherous shadowy depths of her intentions I can find my waifu. From here on it will be a test of wits, my strategies versus hers. I will not lose.
Last Edit: May 2, 2016 21:05:37 GMT -5 by Progress
Out of nowhere Lissa offered to give me a massage. I can understand her wanting to repay me for the crime of ruining such a rare book, but we hardly know each other, not that that's ever stopped me before of course, but something just didn't feel right. Tentatively I accepted her offer and for a while I almost believed that her intentions were genuine, until she shoved the biggest fattest frog I've ever seen down the back of my robe! I swear that little shit is just asking for the poison! To top it off the asshole stole my pouch! I traipsed around the camp for hours trying to find where the royal brat hid it until Miriel handed it to me on a silver platter. Alarms instantly went off in my mind as she droned on about the concept of gravity. Are the two working together? I had to scream into her ear to get her to stop and then she ran off with my pouch again! No doubt her strategy involves using it as leverage against me so that I can't help but approach her for it. Damn, she's ensured that I can't avoid her when I need to.
List of Tactical Liabilities: Chrom Lissa Virion Sully's Horse Lissa (Again)
-
Day eleven on my FE:A waifu search,
So I might have gotten a little too drunk after our latest victory and I may have impulse bought an assassin to take out Chrom. I know, I know, poor judgement on my part, but what's done is done. At least the hireling was incompetent. The fool chose to strike Chrom just as he was exiting the latrine, the glow of the camp fire illuminating everything. Once word had gotten around the camp I rushed out to make sure our leader was in one piece, so far there are no suspicions cast against me. In the future I'll have to more carefully control the amount of alcohol I consume lest this happen again. In order to keep up appearances I tracked down Miriel to get my pouch back only to find that she was using it as a tool for some kind of experiment involving gravity. Everything in it is broken to the point where getting it back was pointless, so I let her keep the damn thing. In fact I give up with her altogether, I thought this would be a good test of my strategic mind, but she's just a halfwit with a memorized dictionary. In other news we've picked up a new recruit, Tharja. Ever since she defected to our side she's been following me around like a lost puppy, sunken eyes flitting nervously this way and that. Perhaps, as a fellow mage in a position of high status, she believes me to be a source of safety among the troops that aren't yet trusting of her. It's adorable, honestly.
-
Day twelve on my FE:A waifu search,
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.. Today I decided to strike up a conversation with Tharja. Bad idea. She openly admitted to doing strange and ominous things in my presence, from the number of books I read and the food I eat to the number of times I switch positions in my sleep. No wonder she has bags under her eyes! Admittedly, yes, I am here for a waifu, but this is weird even for me. Now I know how the women in the hot springs feel. Maybe I really should plug up that new recon hole. Perhaps I can use my knowledge of apothecary and ask Donnel to teach me about traps so that I can come up with some strategies to fend her off. GOOD GOD SHE'S RIGHT OUTSIDE MY TENT. I CAN SEE HER. SHE'S WATCHING ME WRITING.
-
Day thirteen on my FE:A waifu search,
When I told Tharja that I wanted somebody normal this is sort of what I meant? But not really? I mean, at least she gave it some effort before completely breaking character when I told her that was I was concerned, though the fact that I was concerned for my own well being and not hers seems to have flown right over her head. The more it went on though the creepier it got, like a serial killer trying to be an upstanding member of society even though you KNOW she's murdered like, ten people. That pie though! I'd have never thought liver and eel could taste so good. Some part of her seems genuine, insanely obsessed, but genuine, and hey, maybe if I play my cards right I can more pie from her while I search for my waifu.
p.s: Oh, and Mirel and Kellam are to be wed. I guess since she's the only one to ever take more than a moments notice of him he figured he'd marry her before she could get away. She's always talking about studying him and using him as a test subject, but there's more to her acceptance than she lets on. I've never seen her more emotional than she is with Kellam, I think I actually saw her smile when he cracked a joke.
-
Day fourteen on my FE:A waifu search,
Gaius and Maribelle have been fighting fiercely, apparently over some slight against her that happened a long time ago. I bribed Gaius with a small pastry and he told me that she was yelling at him for framing her father for breaking into the treasury, he didn't seem interested in giving any details and with such a hefty subject I thought it best not to ask. In lighter news though Donnel and Nowi are betrothed! An odd pair, I must admit. An ancient dragon girl and a pig-herder, but Donnel has become quite the hero as of late and if anybody can help her search for her lost homeland it's him. Maybe he'll even find his purpose on his travels with her, but for now their minds are focused as one on the current war effort.
-
Day fifteen on my FE:A waifu search,
Last night I wondered if I had been wrong about Sully, perhaps those comments about her finding warmth in the pie of another woman were misheard. In an effort to find out for sure I paid her a visit and found her training in the yard, the perfect picture of health since she'd eaten that seaweed. She'd lost some weight and put on some muscle, but I couldn't resist pinching the slight flab that still remained. I didn't expect her to take to the gesture of course and her fury was quickly quelled. Unfortunately she found out about the fact that I had also eaten the seaweed, I just couldn't stand falling behind her in our workout sessions. I could feel their dry wriggling mass writhing in my stomach and before she could do anything to help it happened.
I puked on her shoes.
-
Day eighteen on my FE:A waifu search,
I think the seaweed affected me more severely than it had Sully, that night I lay tossing and turning, my skin burning with the fire of sickness. The morning after I passed out and have lost several days since then. At first I was horrified to find Tharja at my bedside, thinking that she had taken the opportunity that my sickness presented to perform some heinous deed on my prone body, a hex or curse of some sort that would eternally bind me to her. I was surprised to find that she was the one that had nursed me back to health. Not Lissa, our healer. Not Chrom, our leader. But Tharja, a woman who just days ago had been our enemy. Ever since she joined the Shepherds I've been paranoid that her intentions for me were less than friendly, but so far all she has done for me has been good. Not only that but I think that she might be the only person in camp who might approve of my secret strategies and preparations should the other members of the shepherds turn against me. The only person who might understand me. I don't know why I didn't see it sooner but perhaps her obsession for me mirrors my obsession with the perfect waifu.
But now I feel the fatigue setting in again and I will retire, this revelation has given me much to think about.
Last Edit: May 3, 2016 15:57:42 GMT -5 by Progress
Physically I feel much better, but there is still a sense of unease that upsets my emotional and mental state. It's not that I abhor the thought of Tharja being my waifu, just that I was so focused on finding her that I never even considered what I'd do if she actually showed up in my life. My only solution was to find an outside opinion, somebody who could look at the situation from a view of worldly experience and what better person to go to for that than a world travelling merchant? Unfortunately Anna's enthusiasm for gold didn't really help much. How can one be happy with gold alone? Where is the sense of fulfillment when you never have all the gold you want? No, Anna cannot help me with my problem. I'll have to find somebody else.
-
Day twenty two of my FE:A waifu search,
Well, that was unexpected. After the Mad Kings defeat Sully and Chrom strolled into camp, arm in arm, boasting about their love that was forged by steel and war. I'm honestly not sure what to write. And there I was wondering if I'd have to warn Chrom that Sully was penchant to the company of women. Guess I'm just judgmental. I suppose that pie must have been literal then. Still though I find myself in the same slump I was in before, not even the celebratory feast serving as a remedy for what ails me. Tharja still follows me around, not bothering to hide, it's all I can do not to turn around and... Do what? Perhaps the coming peace will help me decide.
-
Day twenty six of my FE:A waifu search,
Now that peace had come to the land the efforts to quell the rising forces of the Risen have begun. After todays skirmish my second option was Nowi, she may seem like a child, but you'd think that a thousand years would impart some kind of wisdom upon her. Unfortunately her example is not something I think will help solve my situation, handing me what she called her "most precious treasure" on the grounds that she could always find another one. But is that because I don't want to give up on Tharja or because Nowi's morals don't line up with my own? What's more, why is a man such as myself, who has a list of people he may need to dispatch should the need arise, questioning his own morals?
Tharja is being less covert about her attempts to remain in my presence. She walks into my tent and I let her. Sits behind me around the campfire and I let her. I've already given up some of my secret strategies to her in conversation and though she never lets me look at her I find her presence soothing, reassuring even. To know that I'm not the only person like me in the world.
Suddenly Kellam and Miriels situation doesn't seem so pathetic.
I think I have my answer.
-
Day sixty three of my FE:A waifu search,
My search is over. For the past few months I've saved all of my earnings as the kingdoms adviser to buy the finest engagement ring I could find as well the strongest binding hex on the market. It took several hours and many... Rituals, to successful curse the ring, but in the end it was worth it. After the days fight against the Risen I came home and began the preparations. Tharja arrived on time and unbidden as always and hid herself in the little space between the cupboard and the door. I've memorized all of her hiding places by now and this is one she uses often to watch me sleep as it offers the perfect vantage point of my bed. I watched her from my own little corner and waited for her to notice the ring on the table. As careful as she is cunning it took the better part of an hour before she slipped from behind the door to investigate the item that she knew I didn't own. I've seen her catalog of the items that belong to me.
"Of course I'll be your betrothed." She swooned in a mock imagination of her most anticipated day, slipping the piece of precious metal and gemstone onto her fingers. Then the curse took effect, jamming itself magically to her body, refusing to come loose. A look of panic shot through her eyes and then I stepped from the shadows to ask for her hand in marriage. The fake elation that I'd seen moments earlier rushed back in a genuine wave of maddening fixation. A fixation that I shared. I suspect that by now she will have seen this memoir and learned of all of my secrets.
Tharja is my waifu and for the sake of posterity I will document here my agreement with her. If she ever betrays me I will kill her in her sleep.